im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
