Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
