i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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