My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
