Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
