i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She needs sedatives and a leash
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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