Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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