i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
