You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
