He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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