I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
