a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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