I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
