My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
