Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
