I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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