Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
