I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
