Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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