Need sex. Gaining weight.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
