After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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