I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
