I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
