It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
