I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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