just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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