there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
