Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
