So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
