Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
