she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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