Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
