i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
