so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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