My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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