i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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