Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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