drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
