I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
