Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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