he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
