I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
is it fun? or sober?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
