Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize