The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
