Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
