as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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