I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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