i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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