you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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