Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
