Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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