I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
