If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
