sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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