I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
