textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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