If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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