Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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