just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
