She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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