is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I smell like Dick and happiness
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
